Boyfriend:
Significant change in this category, since I no longer have one. Yup. G broke up with me probably about a month ago or so. To be honest, it was one of the strangest break-ups I have gone through. Not that I have much experience with break-ups, since that was the second relationship I have ever been in...but I had the strangest reaction to it all. It happened on a Sunday, after I had a pretty emotional weekend. I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, panic attacks, and mild OCD tendencies on Friday, proceeded to go get a tattoo, and then had a panic attack at 2am on Sunday morning (before the break-up due to a Saturday filled of day-drinking and fights with G). But I have labeled my reaction strange, because I knew it was coming. I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy, and we both knew it. He was the one to actually have the guts to do it. I was just hanging along because I liked the routine I had established with him. But I wasn't in love, and I didn't foresee myself falling in love with him. It is weird to analyze the relationship in such a way, because I feel no hate, resentment or anger with him. Nor do I miss him. I miss the thought of having a boyfriend to place house with and who kisses me on the forehead, but I do not miss G specifically...other than our intellectual conversations. Even saying that, I struggled with how stubborn and stuck he was in his own opinions. With recovery, I have tried to open-up and be more accepting of others and their views, yet he was the exact opposite. When I would try to explain where I was coming from, I felt criticized and misunderstood. Proudly I can say that I deleted him from my phone (predicting I would do the usual and drunk text when I was lonely and had indulged a little too much), and have yet to contact him in such a way. The only times we have spoken have been to acquire items we had left at each other's places and the occasional house party in which we have mutual friends. The only issue I have with the entire thing, is I wish we could skip passed the awkwardness and move onto being friends. As of now, when we see each other, his silence and my general need to overcompensate for it leads to rushed greetings and brief, stiff hugs. I keep telling myself that I must ask to talk with him in order to establish the fact that I am ok with the breakup, in fact, it has been really good for me and made my life much less anxious, and that I wish we could be friends rather than avoid each others eye contact. Soon enough, soon enough.
Health:
As I mentioned above, I was diagnosed with GAD, panic disorder (which I already knew I had), and mild OCD tendencies. I am now taking Celexa daily (40mg), Ambien (to sleep at night), and Xanax (whenever I have a panic attack). The anti-anxiety meds have helped tremendously with my overwhelming anxious thoughts, but the side-effects have been less than fun. I get really shaky, nauseas, have absolutely no sex-drive and still cannot sleep, and the strangest side-effect has been the excessive yawning. I'm glad to finally have a diagnosis, but I am not doing too well in other parts of my health. Unfortunately, I have to admit, I have been back to exercising too much. I am limiting it to less than two hours, but I have not been consistent with taking 2 days off. Because I have been eating more, I have deemed it necessary to exercise more. Ugh. I don't know if this would be considered relapse, but I guess you could call it that since I am restricting in the sense of compensating calories taken in by exercising away. I have noticed that I am much more removed from my social life and friends again, and sometimes would rather sleep or hang out by myself than see them. This is in part to my hectic schedule with classes and teaching, but still, I do not want to go back to that place. I am still maintaining and need to gain weight. I have a new therapist who is much more goal-oriented, and she makes me nervous because I know she will hold me accountable. We have met a few times now, set goals for my recovery, and have focused on ridding myself of my anorexic behaviors (number one being over-exercise). My parents come on Thursday, and I am worried what they will say, since they are paying for all of this, yet I still haven't gained any weight.
Food:
Another concern I have is my addiction to sugar. I save calories up in the day so that I may eat ice cream and Milk Duds at night. I don't know whether I should view this as an addiction to sugar, or the fact that my body is just telling me that it needs more fats. No matter what, I do not like the fact that I have been eating so much sugar, and I think it has been contributing to my afternoon and evening headaches. This is something I know I need to address. I need the fats, but they should be from avocados, olive oil, and fish rather than junk food. And I should be adding them, not compensating for them in other parts of my meals and diet. I promise to feed myself health foods and get back on track with eating what is good for my health rather than things that make me feel icky.
School/Daily Life:
My schedule is crazy. I have class on Mondays 4:30-7. I teach Tuesdays and Thursdays 8:00-4:00, I teach Wednesdays and then have class (8:00-7:00) and Fridays I have class 9-3. By the end of the week, I am absolutely exhausted, but then will go out on Friday nights. I force myself to exercise almost every morning, waking up at 4:20 am, and go to bed around 9-10 pm every night. I love how my days are filled with activities, and I absolutely love teaching and my students (especially math), but I am worried about being lonely. As I said above, I am glad I am no longer dating G, and I do not think I honestly have time in my life for a relationship in general, but I am still on the lookout for someone, even just a friendship. My girlfriends are great (though I get annoyed because many times I feel like I ask them to do too many things and don't get responses back to my texts), but I have always connected to men more for some reason. It may be due to the fact that I have much in common with them, or that my personality is much more like a guys, but the reasons don't matter. I just hate feeling lonely and I want someone to do things with on the weekends and what not. I am a social human being, and I also love to do activities like go to the park, play with puppies, go on adventures, go to farmer's markets, go shopping, just do something! I love being outside and I love interacting with people...now if only I could find a male-counterpart that appreciates the same things! I'm on the prowl....watch out boys!
Roommate:
Basically, I know she is bulimic and an alcoholic. She is depressed and lonely, and I am worried. She has been gaining weight ever since we moved in, and she generally won't eat around me. When she does eat, she will go "shower" or "take a bath" about 15-30 minutes after, in which I know she is actually purging. During the week, when I go to bed supper early, I will hear her in the kitchen binging on food. She still hides the bottles of alcohol and gets inebriated on weekends. We had an awkward encounter this weekend when we were both at the same bar, and the next day she didn't even remember seeing me. I don't know what to do. I almost resent her because I hate what she is doing to herself. I have tried talking to her, but I don't know what else to do. I was so filled with shame and guilt when I was bulimic, and hated anyone that said anything to me. I would defend myself and deny it to everyone and anyone, and my behaviors became even more secretive when I thought someone was catching on. I have to live with this girl, and in rather close quarters, or else I would do what I did with my last bulimic roommate (left her a note saying I knew, I was there for her and gave her a reference card for eating disorder help). AGH! I know that I am going to have to say something sooner rather than later...but I fear what will happen if I do. Will she want to move out? Will our relationship end? But then I have to ask myself, is it worth it to live with someone who is consciously destroying themselves? I found help and she deserves the same. Hmmm...Advice?
There you have it. A pretty thorough update if I do say so myself.
Goal:
1. Cut-back on the exercise (and hold yourself accountable!!!!!) and eat EVERYTHING on the meal plan
2. Limit the sugars and junk food and get the fat you need from "healthy fats"- avo, olive oil, etc.
3. Figure out how you are going to approach this roommate thing. The sooner the better.
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