Labor Day Weekend

My last week was insane, stressful, and I resorted back to my controlling powers of my eating disorder. I was rigid and strict with my intake. I was still eating, but cutting back ever so-slightly.  Like I had to prepare for an out-of-control calorie intake from the weekend (cause it was not only my birthday, but I was also going camping/drinking). Anyway, last week sucked. And I'm almost positive that if I had been weighed, I would have been down a significant amount. Well, guess what? It is now Monday, I just returned from the lake/camping...and to be honest, I feel kinda "normal". Not only did I take three days off in a row of my rigid exercise schedule, but I still managed to make myself eat. And it was fairly healthy amounts of foods (plus a little alcohol) throughout the weekend. Though I cringe a little inside when I admit that I took of three days (I feel overwhelming guilt and I fear the idea that I am lazy/panic that I am out of my routine, etc). I am also proud. Proud that I proved to myself that I can break my routine, and be somewhat "normal". I also figured out a bunch of stuff for school which is reassuring, because I really did not want to be placed in the school I was for my student teaching. Now that is kinda worked out, I'm feeling less stressed. GAH I have so much going through my mind right now that I want to write down, and say...but at the same time, I don't really want to. I want to order books, browse Facebook, clean my clothes, etc. Anyway, my birthday sucked. I was ditched by my boyfriend and my friends, and woke up extremely hungover and lonely. In the past, I would have come home and resorted to emotional eating and sadness/misery, but instead, I didn't eat a thing (which I probably actually should have), and then woke up in the morning, and talked to G (my boyfriend) about what upset me. Huh? Wait, what? I have really come this far? Where I don't use food as an emotional healing power and I actually express to people when I am upset or hurt? Who woulda thought?
On that note, I really hate how drinking makes me feel. It brings out my anxiety to the fullest, and I really think I should see a psychiatrist. On Saturday, when I was struggling through my hangover, anxiety, and stress, I thought A LOT. Anxiety makes me think and worry about EVERYTHING, but mainly about my future/my finances. While thinking, I wondered how come I have yet to actually see a psychiatrist? How did I get the diagnosis of anorexic without actually going to one? I guess it was through my going to a therapist, etc., but shouldn't I have also been examined in order to determine other mental health issues I may have? Like this ridiculous amount of anxiety? Or my exercise addiction/OCD? Welp, just emailed my therapist about setting that up, so guess we shall get that handled. Anyway, drinking makes me so happy when I am doing it, and it makes it so I don't think about my eating disorder, I don't think about my worries, I just focus on having fun. But then I get hit with the exact opposite and it is AWEFUL. Except, this weekend, when I was slowly drinking up in the mountains with my friends, I didn't have the anxiety...but I think that is a whole different story.
In fact, on our way back to Denver, from the mountains, as soon as I saw the city skyline, I started to feel anxious. Yet another sign that I am not a city girl. It makes me anxious, tense, and kinda unhappy. I can handle it at times, and have fun, but I will not live in a city much longer. Thank god I am young, and pursuing a career that allows one to move about fairly freely and find employment.
In regards to school/teaching, I am really hoping I made the right choice and feel that I have. I was really doubting my choice after I made it, but changing schools seems right. Let me fill you in on the details. I was originally placed in a Montessori, which was a 20-25 minute commute away, in a school that I honestly got a bad vibe from in the beginning. The mentor teacher was nice, the school was diverse, etc., but it wasn't what I envisioned for my in-class teaching experience. As of now, I do not see myself living in Denver or anywhere near schools that are free-reduced lunch, with a lot of diversity and poverty. Though I would love to make a change and have nothing against that, and feel that it is a noble cause, again, I do not plan on living in an area that I would be surrounded by that. Of course it is beneficial to my growth and change as a person and a teacher, I wanted to find a school/experience that would best prepare me for my future. And my future now looks like it is going to be in a smaller town, near a ski mountain, lakes, etc., not in an Urban area. Plus, the Montessori dynamic, and the young age really did not appeal to me. I have now been placed in a school that is extremely close to DU, and is actually the same school the kids I nanny for went to. Of course that means there is little to no diversity, and the teachers and school is extremely traditional, but I think it fits what I will most likely see in my own career as a teacher. I have this thought in my mind saying "you should be part of the change, you should help those that need you most, you should assist in the under-privalged because you are a strong believer that they deserve a quality education, etc." but I also know that I am not happy in the city world. I don't want to come across as snotty or unaccepting, I just have been spending an excessive amount of time figuring out what I want to do, where I want to be, my passions, my dislikes, etc., and being/living is a city is not something I hope to be doing in the next five years. So you know what? I'm gonna say I am happy with my decision, it was the right move for me, and I will face challenges, but I WILL overcome them.

Ok, that was much longer of a post then I had planned on, but here is a final note. My friend posted this on Facebook today, I just have to share. Much love.
-A

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it
was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer
represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you
that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for acouple of beers."