Sunday comes once again. I find myself feeling extremely anxious today for some reason. I think a lot of it has to do with finances and the fact that I am questioning my decision of grad school again. I love what I am doing (most of the time), but I keep thinking I should be doing something that will make more money. I don't know where this concern originates from, and to be honest, I have been really good about saving my money and being rather frugal (in comparison to the way I was before) lately, however, I find that this is something I feel very stressed about. Maybe it has to do with my father and the way I was raised, or maybe it is because I am not making any money...I don't know. What I do know is that finances is the root of much of my anxiety. Working this summer I felt much less stressed out because I had a source of income. With that being said, I was not happy at my job, and the days dragged on. Now that I am in school, I'm much more fulfilled with what I am doing, however I have no source of income so that leads to more anxiety. I have considered getting a job, but I do not want to add even more to my life right now, especially since I will start to student teach in the beginning of September. I suppose I need to realize that this is what it is like to be a student, and that it will hopefully pay off in the long-run with a career...though it is a career path where money is not incentive (because pay is so low for teachers).
GAHHH. I recognize that money clearly is a huge stressor in my life. I hate having to rely on my parents, but I feel so much angst whenever they try to have me learn about money and budgeting. I know that I really need to, but for some reason I fear it. I think this fear comes from realizing that I am growing up and can no longer rely on my parents anymore. I must take on more responsibility and with that, comes managing and balancing my finances and spending habits. Its funny because when I read about my "personality" in different horoscope books/websites, it says that I am supposed to be very financially aware and good with money...yet I feel I am the exact opposite. Again, there is a fear and anxiety I associate with anything financial, and I would rather have someone do it for me than the responsibility falling on me. It could be because I hate the thought of failing or being lesser in someway than others, so I divorce the thought of taking full responsibility so that I always have my parents to fall back on? Will I do this until I meet my husband? No. I recognize I need to address this issue and really take control of it, but I keep pushing it to the wayside because it causes such emotional turmoil and excessive thoughts of worry.
Another thing I have been thinking about, is the fact that through my illness, I have realized how much I have desired to be considered "weak". Well, I think weak is the wrong word..I guess vulnerable? I've always felt so much pressure to be perfect in every way, especially being strong and independent. Now I am realizing that its ok to be vulnerable. Its ok to open up to others, to cry, to ask for a hug, to let others see you when you can't hold back your tears. In fact, this proves that you are human, you are real, and you deserve to break-down every once in a while...cause if you didn't, how would you ever be built back up? How could you ever experience or appreciate happiness? You couldn't. You must experience pain and sadness in order to appreciate the opposite end of the spectrum.
A little update on my health/recovery status. I went to my dietician last week and was weighed....weight went down. Although I am usually weighed in the morning right after I eat, this time I was weighed in the afternoon (after class) and hadn't eaten since lunch at noon. I attribute a little bit of the weight difference to that, but my dietician knows that and still mentioned it, which means upping my food intake. I have to add another Ensure into my diet. Sweet. That means three Ensures a day. And I say I'm worried about finances and want to save money yet I am having to buy these over-priced nutritional drinks in mass quantities? Wouldn't that be enough of an incentive to eat more food or cut back even more on exercise? Nope. Still doesn't work. I have to push past this point in my weight, but it is so difficult to not listen to my body's natural signals. I say this because I haven't been in-tune with my hunger cues since I can remember. Food and eating has been something I have struggled with for such an extended period, that now that I am finally able to recognize actual hunger and satisfaction, I am struggling pushing past that because of my past in binging. I fear that it will trigger the scary binge-eating I used to struggle with, and I HATE the feeling of an overly-full stomach. My stomach, in fact, is one of the parts of my body I have been most self-conscious about, so this fear makes sense as well as the strong desire to avoid ever feeling like I over-ate or binged again. When I was doing that, I was out of control and the food controlled me. Now I have all of the control, I can listen and hear my body, and I never want to lose that. That's why Ensure is so easy to handle right before I go to bed. I know what I have eaten that day, and I am ok with adding on something that I do not desire and will eventually be able to cut out. But I still need to overcome this fear of returning to my old ways. I haven't binged or purged in months, and it feels amazing. But I am still not gaining weight. I need to either add more food throughout the day, cut-back even more on exercise, or truly make sure that I am drinking all of the Ensure's my nutritionist tells me to.
This week marks the final week of my summer classes...which also means final projects, papers, and a ton of reading. I will be turning 22 this week as well, oh boy! I've never been one who really cares about my birthday, so I am not holding my expectations very high...hopefully my friends will hang out with me and I will be able to have a good time with them all.
Until next time.
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