On Monday I began my Masters program for education. The first day was exciting, refreshing, and appeared quite bright. I left feeling like I was doing the right thing, and I had made the right decision. Wednesday marked my second day, and those feelings were partially diminished. I feel it is just the initial chaos that scares me, but hold quite a few worries, and it is only just the first week. First of all, I thought the program was extremely difficult to be accepted to, therefore I deduced that only highly qualified candidates would be accepted. This attracted me because that is the type of person I am. I am fast-paced, achievement/goal driven, and cherish effective time management. Yes I care about opinions and expressing emotions, but when it comes to communication, I prefer clear, concise, to-the-point interactions. This seems to differ immensely from what others, including the professors, uphold in the classroom. I am trying to view it as a test of my patience, and attempting to consider it to be something I can utilize as a teacher later, but right now, it is rather bothersome. I think what gets to me the most is that I am extremely interested in the material we are reading in our textbooks and supposed to be covering in class, yet we seem to never actually address anything within those required readings. If we do touch upon them, many people stray from the text or blabber on and on about their opinions, limiting how much others get to speak. The observer that I am sits in class and I can already tell you who "likes to hear themselves talk" and deems it necessary their opinion be heard on every matter. With the time constraints, I feel it would almost be most effective to have an online discussion board where people could freely express themselves, and then others could have the option to not only listen/read (if they want to) but then respond. Everyone in the program comes from such unique places, which is highly attractive and positive, but at the same time, I have noticed it leads to some people "preaching" their beliefs or pre-concieved notions. Having just come out of my undergraduate experience, I may be limited in "life experience" but I am years ahead when it comes to the "student experience" in comparison to my classmates. It frustrates me having to waste time going over how to used Blackboard or the online e-reserves, when that valuable classroom time could be used to instruct. I personally entered this program wanting to pursue something I thought would be good for society, and have truly dedicated myself to an open-mind. I have no experience in teaching (other then some mentoring), and after reading some of the textbooks, I realize that an open-mind and the commitment to constantly change and adapt are necessities to the teaching profession. With that being said, many of the people in my program seem to be stuck in a certain mindset. I don't know whether this can be attributed to their age, their past experience, etc., but it is yet another thing that truly gets to me in regards to this program. Why I seem to be taking it so personally is that it is directly effecting me and my learning experience. I entered the program because it was "accelerated" and fast-paced, covering a lot of material in a short amount of time, but doing so in a way that prepared teachers more than many other programs available. When I have these "downers" (yup, that's what I am going to refer to them as from now on), in my classes, I feel I am wasting valuable time and money. I know there is so much for me to learn and to grasp in order to become the best teacher possible, but the downers are getting in my way! As a perfectionist/achiever, I keep having to remind myself that there is no perfect teacher and I will never be able to reach that point, but I want to become a person that can put forth and provide the best education for each and everyone of my students. That aspiration/dream is very high, but I only set those types of goals for myself, so that should not be a shocker.
Within the activities of this first week and my interactions with other students, I have come to the realization that I need to really own my education. All throughout high school, middle school, elementary, and even college, I strived to achieve, but only based on grades. I would read, take notes, attend class, and create study guides all for the grades rather than the knowledge. I reflect upon this mindset, and although it is a broad generalization and doesn't fall true for every single class I took, I now see how much passion I actually have for education and becoming a teacher. Instead of doing the readings for the grades, I'm doing the readings because I'm enthralled by the information. I absorb it and want more and more. Of course I want to do well in my classes, but they don't seem to be focused upon the final grade either...its all about the process. This seems to fit directly into education itself. Maybe even as broad as life. There are no final end-products. People are constantly changing. Changing career paths, changing relationships, changing hair colors, but no matter what, this change is continuous. Educators need to embrace change in the exact same way. Their students change, their curriculum changes, their attitudes change, their environment changes. With all these changes, a teacher has no choice but to go along to, for remaining stagnant is not an option. One of my texts mentioned that if a teacher believes they have reached perfection and can no longer change, then they should quit because that means they have completely failed. This continues to resonate with me for I can apply it to so many aspects of my life...though never to the extremity of failure (that's a big no-no word in my recovery ;)).
And so I have begun my Masters program. I have entered the student world again. My schedule is going to be crazy for I have class three days a week and I student teach three days a week, meaning I am basically ending my social life during the weekdays and cutting into much of my weekends. Here's to knowing its worth it, hoping I succeed, and holding myself accountable to recovery all at the same time.
Wish me luck.
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