Sunday

Today represents the beginning of a new chapter in my life..so to speak. I start grad school tomorrow for Education. Though I am excited and feel I am doing the "right thing", I can not help but question my decision and feel rather anxious/nervous. I get overwhelmed at the thought of not doing everything perfectly/not having enough time to get it all done. Its weird because I constantly think "when will I have time to work out" which is almost kind of why I wanted to do the program to begin with...to keep me busy and not working out. Oh boy. The program is intensive, and I will be finished in a little over a year, but I hope I do not become to anxious or stressed that I return to my previous mental state of confusion/obsession, etc. In the end, I truly feel this is what I want to do, and I am hoping to overcome the thought that I have to be "perfect" in school, teaching, etc., especially when teaching seems to be an ever-evolving profession.

On another note, I believe it is necessary to update on my roommate/new living situation. I moved into a new apartment with a friend I have known since I was about 12 years old. We ski raced together all through middle/high school, and she ended up transferring to the same college as me and joining the same sorority. Though we didn't hang out much in college, she stayed in CO after she graduated (a year before me), and we decided to get an apartment together when I graduated this June. We moved in the last week of July, and for the most part, things are wonderful. I love the comfort and the cleanliness and all that, but I have some serious concerns regarding my roommate. When we were in high school, she struggled with a serious eating disorder (a combination of restriction, binging and purging, etc.). One of my friends and I approached her mother about it, and she supposedly was "getting help" for it. Ironically, both my friend and I are now in recovery for anorexia....oh how things work out. Anyway, I do not think anything was ever done for my roommate (who I will now refer to as K), and after moving in with her, I know there is an issue. First of all, I know she lacks self-confidence and esteem in every manner. She has the typical background of parents who question her eating/working out etc. (seems to be something that comes from our little Idaho town, this notion that you have to be super active and healthy). In college, she didn't have many friends, especially because she was a transfer student, but she never really put herself out there either. Once she graduated, I think things got even worse, for she really has maybe one or two friends, and that is only due to the fact that she works with them or something. I feel a pressure to make her more social/take her out, but at the same time, I need my separate friends/groups, and time alone. I see the loneliness and sadness in her eyes, and I wish there was something I could do.

The month prior to us moving in together, she was living alone in an apartment, and I think she went off the deep-end. With no one to watch her or socialize with, I think she may have turned to alcohol and an ED. My suspicions about the ED arise from her past, in addition to the fact that she never eats breakfast, I never see her at lunch so I do not know what that is like, and then she will hardly ever eat dinner when I am or when I am at the apartment. We both had work everyday of the week and I spend the weekends doing different activities, so we don't eat too many meals together. With that being said, yesterday we were decorating our apartment and she didn't eat anything until 1pm, made it while I was in my room, then made some excuse about having to shower again (which she had done that morning), because conditioner was still in her hair...I know this excuse. The feeling of having to purge immediately after eating something, but fearing that others will hear you throw-up. The go to move would be to "shower" or take a bath so you could drowned out the sound of forced purging. Hidden food, covering her mouth when she eats, not keeping food in the apartment and always eating out, etc. reinforce this idea in my head. Though I cannot say 100% she has an ED...I would say I'm 98% sure. Its funny how easy it is to recognize in another person after starting recovery. In fact, the house I lived in my senior year had a girl who I approached because I suspected she had an ED. I was right and tried to help her, yet I know she is still struggling...but that is a whole different story.

Back to K. So I have pretty much proven to myself that K has an ED, but the bigger concern for me is the alcohol. I have read/learned that alcohol dependency, etc. is co-morbid with EDs. Now, I think it is totally normal/acceptable to come home after work and have a glass or two of wine or a beer, whatever you fancy. But when I have been coming home (even at two in the afternoon), K will be sitting on the couch and immediately try and hide something from me under the table or run into her room to hide it. I instantly became suspicious, and realized it was white wine that she was hiding. At first, I thought maybe she was worried that I would judge her for drinking alone or something, but I come home and occasionally have a glass while I make dinner, so I thought that would show her I really do not care. This behavior has continued for the past two weeks, and the amount of wine she is going through is unreal. I went into her room and right now there are 5 empty bottles (two double bottles), and one that is have drunk in the fridge. She usually doesn't keep the wine in there but last night she was drinking with a friend. I do not know what to do. Clearly she has an issue and knows it or else she would not feel the need to hide it from me. After speaking with my mother today who knows K from home and knows everything I am going through, she recommended I bring it up with her (sooner rather than later) and come from a place of care/concern. I agree with my mother, but I feel that also warrants an explanation from me about what I am going through/recovery. I guess it was probably meant to happen at some point, but I do not know how ready I am to have to deal with it. I hate having to tell people/having people know, especially when I live with them, because I feel like I am constantly being watched around food and my behaviors. I never feel comfortable eating or going about my day because I feel as if I am constantly under their scrutiny. Part of me thinks this is the ED talking, but another part comes from a taste of reality.

So I guess my goal for this week is talk to K about my concerns. I need her to know how her behavior is affecting me as well. I care for her so much and the additional worry/anxiety isn't what I want or need in my recovery.

PS: I talked with G this week. It was more of a forced conversation due to a horrendous fight, but things are looking better right now...I did get some feedback from him that was a wee bit disheartening, but I know that he truly cares about me, which was nice to finally hear come out of his mouth.

I meet with my nutritionist on Thursday to get weighed...we shall see what my weight has done in the past two weeks. I have a feeling she is not going to be happy with me/I am not going to have gained weight. Again, the weight thing is my biggest hurdle (along with exercise), but food is becoming so much easier, and days off aka weekends are easier too. So I guess you have to take the good with the bad.