Weekend Trial

This week marks the first week that I will not be seeing my team, while I am in Denver, in order to see how I do  by "myself" with recovery. To be honest, I think I'm not doing to hot. This past weekend I spent in Glenwood Springs with my boyfriend. Man was it quite the trip. We left Friday night after we were both done with work, and began our drive (ended up getting in after 9pm that night). I was good about eating dinner before hand, but in the car ride up there, I mentioned multiple times to my boyfriend that we needed to stop and get ice cream at some point (part of my meal plan). Well, we did not. We drove straight to his house, where he then offered me and ice cream bar that was not up-to-par in the taste factor if you ask me. I have labeled myself a food snob, and I have come to terms with it. I appreciate quality, fresh, nutritious foods. If I'm going to put something in my mouth, I want to enjoy it. Part of this is the anorexia talking (I mean, why waste the calories if I don't even like it?? oh the mind of an ano), but the other part is the fact that I was raised that way. Coming from a small town, our local grocers would keep the store stocked with the freshest products, as well as ones that supported local businesses. My town has no fast-food restaurants...not a single one. The closest McDonald's is 25 minutes away.... My mom used to own a Mexican restaurant, and continued her passion for cooking after she shut the doors. Talking with others, I realized how fortunate I was with what I ate as a child. My mother would wake up and make us pancakes, waffles, eggs, oatmeal, cream of wheat, eggs, etc. every single day. I hardly recall a day where we would have dry cereal, unless of course my dad was left with us. The same held true for our dinners (a wide array of home-cooked meals), and we were pushed to be a part of the "clean-plate club"...aka we had to finish all that was put in front of us. I never had an issue with this, my brother, on the other hand, would sit at the kitchen table for hours until he finally finished his plate. Looking back, this truly could have contributed to my eating disorder and the bulimia. I still do have the feeling that I have to finish what is placed in front of me. Its odd for my anorexia came when I stopped eating. Before I overly controlled how little I put into my mouth, I made sure that I finished every last bite of food placed in front of me. Then I became anorexic, and realized I could control the food. I could control how much I ate, and I was shocked that I actually had that power, because before, food had all the power. Now in recovery, I have to overcome the restriction I so proudly obtained in my sickness. Though its hard to try and give up something you worked so hard for, I have begun to trust myself. I can eat foods that I like, and even though I am told to finish everything (because I am trying to gain weight), I realize I no longer need to binge, purge, or really control. I find my body tells me when its hungry, when its full, when it needs a snack, etc. Again, I am not at the "intuitive eating" stage of recovery, but it is a relief to know that I am beginning to recognize these internal signs. What a shocker...trusting your body, viewing food as essential and not the enemy, enjoying certain foods, realizing you don't like others...this is all such an enlightening experience.

Back to this weekend...again, it was quite the challenge. I had mentioned to my therapist last week that the last time I did this, I packed an entire cooler to make sure I had my "routine foods" with me...the ones that I was comfortable eating and knew how my body would respond to (aka maintaining not gaining weight). I told my T that it was hard to be around my boyfriend's family, especially his mother. Don't get me wrong, the woman has great intentions and loves my boyfriend dearly, but I honestly think she lacks intelligence/intuition. My boyfriend told me her and her entire family are "people pleasers". He says that they are indecisive because they constantly want to make others happy, and they talk in circles. His mother fits this perfectly. I am very private, self-sufficient, and enjoy doing things on my own. When I am in her home, I am in her territory (especially in the kitchen). My boyfriend's family far from uphold my food snobiness....so I was already in an "off/trying" environment because of the slim pickings. Add on to that the mother who constantly asks me if I want to eat this, what I want to eat, blah blah blah. Hey lady! I'm recovering from an eating disorder and have certain foods that still scare the shit out of me! Quit constantly talking about food, diets, what's good, what's bad, exercise, how I prepare foods, etc., because that is exactly what I do NOT need to focus on! Though I am unsure whether G (my boyfriend) has told his mother about my ED, I still assume, since almost everyone who sees me assumes, I have some sort of disordered eating or exercise like mad. One would think that talking about exercise, and those superficial "diets" out there, are not appropriate topics for someone recovering from an ED, especially when I clearly display an uncomfortable attitude whenever such thinks are mentioned and do not bring up the topics on my own. Here I am feeling guilty for writing/thinking this about G's mother, and thinking to myself that I must cut her some slack for her lack of knowledge, G not telling her, etc., but then I get frustrated. G knows how much I struggle, or at least I think he does, yet why has he not shared this with his parents? Am I not important to him? Is he doing this to protect me? Life would be easier if he would share this with his parents so I wouldn't be placed in such a trying/anxiety producing environment. Hanging out with your boyfriend's parents is stressful enough, I don't need to be tested with my ED on top of that! I believe the solution here is communication, which again, I desperately need to work on with G. For some reason, I seriously struggle with opening up to those who I probably should the most. I fear that if they truly got to see me/how I feel/ what I am going through, they would run away like a scared little girl. No no, more like the victims of the guy in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Ha. I suppose my mind isn't THAT fucked up, but it sure has hell is NOT normal. My mind is always running, random and not so random thoughts popping in and out, to the point where sometimes I catch myself thinking about thinking. If G, or anyone for that matter, could see and hear the world through my perspective, what would happen? I guess the answer to this question could never even attempt to be answered if I do not at least try to let others in.... With my goal-oreinted mindset, I guess it might be good to set one, especially one that I need to do desperately but hold such a resistance to do....

Goal: Communicate with G. Talk about what helps and what hurts. Realize that there is no point in holding out on him to keep him around because it isn't worth dragging out. He deserves honesty, and you deserve to be honest and open as well. If he doesn't want to remain, realize that life has another plan, and losing him now is better than when you aren't as strong. Who knows? Maybe this newfound openness will lead to happiness... because the relationship, though good at times, does need work.

Motivation: better relationship, happier, freeing of guilt/anxiety revolving around something that should bring you joy, honesty, working on "yourself"

Deadline: You'll know when you can handle it, but don't put it to the wayside for too long. Man I wish there was someone out there to hold me accountable to this. Its up to me though, and I always have been told, "As soon as you set your mind towards something, you always get it done". Time to "set my mind".