Lonely

I knew this weekend was not going to top the charts in "FUN" but I did not expect to be this lonely. G is gone for the weekend doing his usual mountain man adventures, and K is spending the weekend in CO Springs with a friend from home. This leaves A, me, all by my lonesome. Granted I have an excessive amount of homework and projects to be doing for school, I am still not very happy about all of this alone time. It makes me realize how much I actually hate being alone. Well, not hate, because of course everyone needs time to themselves, but I really am a social being. I do not like to be inside, by myself, not talking, all. day. long. I guess that is probably fairly human of me, but still. I have been reaching out to my friends that live in the same apartment complex as me, but it seems they have other plans. I think I should go out! Do something! But then I think about all the school work I have to do, and how this is my opportunity to get ahead so I can be less stressed for the weeks to come (especially since my birthday is in 12 days).
I hate when G leaves. I wouldn't mind it so much on the weekdays when I am so busy, but the weekends are when I do not have such a rigid schedule and I love to spend time with him. To be honest, a lot of it revolves around the fact that these are my "day-off" days. As in day-off from exercising, but also day off from my strict eating rituals, my waking up early, my processes, etc. These are the days I allow myself a little more wiggle room...which also leads to more anxiety and stress if they are not filled with mind-distracting activities. I let myself eat different foods, etc., but again, that leads to fear and anxiety, hence the reason I turn to G. He is my support, whether he knows it or not, and with him there, I sense more freedom and strength. I can push myself further knowing G will be there to hold me if I fall. He distracts my mind from thinking about control, structure, perfection. G teaches me to appreciate imperfections, and although we do not always meet eye-to-eye, I thank G for his opposing views.
Yesterday I wanted so badly to socialize, but I did not want to be around alcohol. My relationships with alcohol is interesting. One to two drinks in, I feel great and loosened up, especially after a long day (or week). But I only allow myself these few drinks when I am with G. If not, I do not see it necessary to waste the calories/high....but why? I do not know. When it comes to the drinking I do with my friends, it is a whole different story. Their focus is all about excess. Drink drink drink drink drink, shot shot shot shot, beer beer beer beer. Sometimes I sympathize and will partake in this activity, but the next day is ALWAYS filled with regret, depression and misery. I'm usually ok if G is there, but if he isn't, the guilt, shame and anxiety tend to overwhelm and incapacitate me. Its funny how this "drug" is used by so many in our society, and how differently it effects people. Some use it socially, some don't use it at all, and some use it excessively to the point where it is an addiction. But we all have our vices right? Some have drugs, like alcohol, but then there are others who are addicted to gambling, shopping, and others, like me, who are addicted to exercise. The thing that really gets to me about alcohol is how it can induce such conflicting feelings. Extreme happiness then extreme depression. Hm. The human brain and chemical reactions...
So last night, I literally spent about two hours debating whether to go out or not. My thought process went from yes definitely, to I have so much work to do tomorrow, to how will I get home because I am so tired I know I will want to go home earlier than everybody else, to the cost of the cab, to the cost of drinks, to being hungover the next morning, and so on and so on. (Oh, and did I forget to mention that not only is it "my time of the month", but I also just so happened to pretty much slice off the tip of my thumb while making dinner so I was splurting blood out of two places in my body and neither seemed to be stopping anytime in the near future (sorry for the visual).) Sometimes I wish I could just be told what to do. I wanted to see my friends, but I wish that didn't always have to entail drinking. I wish we could be social and not have to "get blackout" and go to the bars. The social scene can be so expensive and absurd sometimes. Another reason why I am thankful for G. I know that we can go to the movies, spend a night at home, just enjoy one another's company, but at times I also feel pressure from him. I trust this pressure though, it pushes me out of my element in a healthy way rather than a mind-numbing, booze hound way. I recognize I am young and labeled as the age to go out, get drunk, live life, party, but at times I just want to curl up on the couch, watch a movie and go to bed by 10 pm! Sorry I'm not living up to expectations, but I like to think of myself as an old soul in a young body and it is necessary to please that old soul every so often.
Now I feel I have splurged on that old soul and need a god damn glass of wine and a cute boy to smile at me (sorry G, I like ya, but I need confirmation from other guys that I'm attractive too). I've literally spent the ENTIRE day inside my apartment and have fully acclimated to the smell of smoke (from the previous tenants) which is a sure sign that I need to get the F out of this place. Most of my homework is done (not at all but I do not foresee much more progress occurring this afternoon), and I can hear the wanna-be-post-college-frat-bros doming PBR down at the pool...ahhh the sweet sweet sound of "transitioning adults" getting wasted on a Saturday afternoon. The sounds of a potential future? Or the past?